Recently, my life definitely took a turn.
A few weeks back I had a deep spiritual experience. From this moment on, something profoundly changed for me, within me. It may even have caused a shift on a cellular level, if such a thing is possible and can be felt. The default state I’m always in, ‘pushing myself to the limit in everything I do’, disappeared, just like that. Instead, I felt the urge and the ability to finally take care of myself, love myself, be kind to myself. And with that came the capability to be loving and kind to others in a ‘clean’, unconditional way, without wanting something like love, attention and approval in return.
Giving without the need to get something from the other.
This is not something that comes naturally for me. I used to feel unconnected with the word ‘love’. I felt that love wasn’t something for me, that I was unworthy of love. You wouldn’t be able to achieve anything there without working very, very hard towards what you desired. I didn’t trust love, either. It was always conditional, involved suffering and pain. I learned the hard way what it was like. Moreover, the thought of loving myself was something so out of my reach and horrendous that I didn’t even begin to try. And so I became very harsh on myself, which was a familiar state, so easy for me since I had internalized my father’s voice quite well.
I’m in the middle of the process of letting my parents go, feeling the need to break up with them, so to speak. That feeling got more eminent throughout the last few weeks. My trip is partially about letting them go. I need to take my distance from them and I’m quite literally doing that right now (flying above Canada while writing this). I felt this already on a more subconscious level when I booked my flight two months earlier. Now, it’s getting even clearer: My parents are so intertwined with my life that it is hard for me to choose in favor of my own life, putting my own happiness first. I am so occupied with taking care of them, making them happy that I used to put their happiness above my own. The other day, I found the courage to tell my mother that I needed space, would keep a distance for a while. I told her that I couldn’t be myself around them, that I was always playing a role when I was with them. Of course, there’s more to say than these few lines, a lot more. But more about that, maybe later.
So what does this mean to the masterplan of the CDT thru-hike?
Not sure what it means exactly yet, but I decided to change from having a plan, to having no plan at all. I just want to Be. To be with mother nature, one of my most influential teachers. To be close to myself. To be close to others (whether they are far away or close by, bless social media). To be alone. To be together, connecting to other beautiful souls that are wandering this magnificent planet. To really feel what feels right for me at the moment. So if that means hiking to Mexico over the entire CDT, then that’s great and that’s what I will do. If it means something completely different, that’s great too.
It is really scary for me to let go of a plan.
Letting go of a goal, a framework is fucking scary. But that’s the way I want to do it. To let go and see what happens. What I do know is that I want to keep writing. About my experiences, my process. Again, here no plan :-)
Yes, I feel ready for this ride. And everything is going exactly as it should be: in flow, smoothly, beautifully. Here we go.